Random Outing #2

I got out for about an hour or so yesterday to shoot after all of the running around I get to do on Fridays. I was feeling one of the fabulous black and white image moods so that is what I shot. I had been looking at this location for a few days. I drive by it a lot to take my husband to work, and I liked the lack of light yesterday so ... I stopped. Here's what I came back with ...

I was trying to hook up with my cousin who offered me a sweet deal. She would teach me all she knew about photography if I taught her how to post in the online community I talked her into joining a while ago. She has been really busy with school and has not had the time to learn about posting. I told her of course she has a deal. I can show her how to do that stuff in 10 minutes flat, unlike me she can remember things ... So I am sure I will only have to go threw it all once.

I also took another image that I wanted to post in this posting, I also took one of the photos and did some filter work to it. I used Poster Edges and Ink Outlines on it!! ... So enough with the excited rambling, and on with the photos already!!

My Dream Camera

Okay ... I have my dream camera, It is kind of an oldie I guess, but it is the Nikon D40 SLR. I have always enjoyed Nikon camera. I have a close friend that has used Nikon for years. I used to shoot with it, but I never did the set up for shooting, He did. I wish he still lived around here because I would love to learn from him now. I have been pricing the camera at different places and it costs from 399.00 to 799.00 depending on the place.

My cousin just got one .. So I am going to be able to see some of it's work close up in the near future. She is going to be a photography graduate this coming year from one of our local community colleges. We are planning some outings ... I can say that I cannot wait. I think all of this might be re-newing my excitement with taking photos ... and I know I needed that. I was starting to not care if I ever picked up a camera again. I am sure that thought was born of having to spend more time alone, Which I already do enough already because the husband and I work different schedules now and have been for a while (since my freaking car broke down majorly again!!!).

Update ...

I have not really been out to shoot anything for a couple of weeks because walking out the front door was something that felt like death to me because of the cold air going into my lungs. I have a really bad case of Bronchitis. I am doing a little bit better this week, but they think I might have Asthma now and that is what is causing all the lung problems ... Ugg!! Does the freaking list ever end. I kid you not, It feels like the older I get ... The more I seem to fall apart. I think I have had enough of that for a while. I would love to go more than a month before the next attack happens. I go to walk out my door and I cough for about a half hour straight! Going to work has been a challenger, but I need the money to pay my bills and I do not have one of those jobs that pays sick time, much less anything else. I did stay home Tuesday last week because I could barely move due to the Migraines I have been getting from the coughing.

I now have to deal with an inhaler, Prednisone, antibiotics, and Cough syrup with codeine! I guess it could be a lot worse .. I could be in the hospital right? .. lol. I am hoping it does not take as long as the doctors say to kick this round, because this one has been painful both physically and emotionally. I am doing pretty good so far ... I can talk this week, that is more than I could do last week, So I am getting better slowly I guess.

Brothers

Today will be my first blog of the new year ... and It is going to have nothing to do with photography because I think I am one of the saddest creatures on the planet today. I started the day on a good note, but my brother called me to finish the fight he started with me the day before because I hung up on him the day before.

I wish I could find a way to make him understand I am not like him ... I do not want to try to have a discussion with someone that is always calling me names or just flat out being an a-hole. I cannot handle his methods of discussion, and it bothers me that I cannot find a way to communicate with him that does not end up in a match that leaves me suffering from a serious anxiety attack.

We come from a very broken home. Our father was not the nicest person in the world, and our mother ... just was not there. She wanted to be I think, but she choose to live vs dying (Which was the choice my father offered). I am not sure if the 20 years that we did not see each other and were not involved in each others lives changed us, but it saved my life. I ended up in a foster home because of some very serious things, and he ended up with one of his aunts.

Anyways ... I called him to ask if he knew anyone that sold used auto parts because I needed I new tail light cover because while my car has been sitting in my driveway broken down ... some jerk hit it and broken the light cover and did not bother to say anything. I do not want to pay $150.00 dollars for one because the car is a 1992 and has quite a few miles on it.

This ended up in a big fight, and resulted in me telling him he was an a-hole and I hung up the phone on him. I guess I added fuel to his fire because he called back today. I guess I should have left my phone off.

I really hate fighting with anyone ... most of all family. I am a very sensitive soul, and I cannot take the things that some people call jokes too well. I used to be able to a long time ago, but I am a different person now. I tried to explain this to him as calmly as possible, and all he said was "I am the way I am and if you do not like it .. I really don't give a F, so you are going to have to learn to deal with it ... or not talk to me again." Well ... I can see what the out come of this is going to be. I am not going to talk to him again more than likely ... because he is not worth having a heart attack over.

Well ... I bet that was hard to even want to read. I just needed some where to go with this because I have no support system on this one, and I cannot leave it sitting inside because it has had me sick all day now, and I need to get out of the rut it set me into. Thanks for reading ... If you have any advise that might help save this relationship ... Please ... I am willing to listen and try it out! I just do not know what else to do. Telling him how I felt just made him madder.

My Thoughts Today ...

I have been a bit in the dumps since it turned really cold. My knee did a total 180 and has not totally bounced back yet. I am learning to deal with the new pain, but it is slow and hard. It has left me feeling a bit overly sensitive and easily tempered, so I have been avoiding certain situations, but it has caused me to deal with one pressing situation that has made my photography buddy leave adventures with me, but it had to be done.

We are no longer moving this month. We re-newed our lease for another year. I think it might be better this way because if the person we were going to roommate with cannot come up with their share of things now ... than I would have to worry about weather or not they could keep up and I do not make the money to cover their share of things too ... I have to cover my husband's bills all of the time. He is my responsibility and that is the only reason I do.

I took my father for some testing he needed to have done in Syracuse yesterday. I hope he remembers to tell me the results because I want to be sure he is okay. He has not been feeling too well. He has had 2 heart attacks, Chemical Meningitis, and his Appendix removed this year alone. I wish he would listen to his doctor, but we all know how stubborn our dad's can be. He just says it is his life and he will live it his way.

I have not been taking any photos for a couple of weeks now ... except for my cats of course, but I have nothing to share. They really did not turn out like I hoped and because of my mood ... They got deleted. I am glad that digital camera were invented because they save a ton of money!

The Blues ...

I swore that I would not take this trip in this blog, but I cannot help but to because I am just me and I cannot be anything else and the sooner I deal with it ... The better off I will be. I seem to be going threw some kind of sadness or something that I am beginning to find really disturbing because I really cannot stand feeling that way .. It makes the daily challenges even worse.

I am sitting here at 6:00 am and trying to figure out why I cannot sleep. I went to bed at midnight and I was laying there wide awake by 3:00 am. I generally do not have a lot of trouble sleeping except for when something is bothering me.

I have not been feeling all that wonderful for about a month now. I got really sick at the beginning of Nov. and I got over everything but the ear infection ... and than the real winter has not shown it's self ... and I have discovered a whole new pain that I am really trying to deal with ... and I think it might be winning because I have not been in all that wonderful of a mood either.

I knew I had arthritis in my left knee after my surgery this past summer, but I did not realize the extent of it until this past week. I think I could have easily hurt the first person that pushed me to the breaking point and not even cared about it. I have been dealing with the arthritis in my right leg and ankle since my accident that caused this issue in 2001, and I have learned to live with it, but now the issue with left knee is added ... and I really do not know which way is up or down. I talked to my orthopedic doctor and he has given me a medication for arthritis pain to try to see if it will help so I can get threw day to day activities .. Time will tell.

I don't know .. Maybe it is just the pain level doing a number on me, but I cannot even walk around enough to do what makes the world right again ... Take pictures ... I may have to find myself a new winter hobby after we get moved into the new apartment ... because if this keeps up the way it's going ... The camera may get a long winters break.

Not For The Faint Of Heart

I guess I feel like talking about me today. I have not been out to take any photos since it turned cold ... I discovered new pains that were not there last year ... and it making walking a really big problem. I hope I get used to it like I have with my ankle or it is going to be a really bad winter.

It has turned out to be another one of those un-productive days at work again because my work is Internet based and if the Internet is slow ... I am slow. It drives me crazy because I cannot reach the goal I want ... Which today is to get this huge pile of mail data entered and ready to pull for processing, and I do not see that happening ... and so far it has not.

I work as a Client Service Representative in the ROI field, and I like the work for the most part, It gets a bit repetitive sometimes ... but all in all it is not a bad job. I am just glad that it gives me something to do, because I would go out of my mind without it.

Before my accident in 2001( I dislocated my ankle from my leg bone, and fractured the fibula and the medial malleous). I used to work a full time job and a part time job just to keep myself busy and away from the miserable relationship I had myself in. I told myself being un-happy was better than being alone ... until I realized it was worse. I could at least deal with myself ... and that some days is a real challenge all it's own.

I spent 8 years in a relationship that really only lasted 4 years. He was slap happy and I could not deal with it. The first time ... I thought he was drunk and he really did not mean it. He did it again after he had already broken my arm and I realized ... It was time to end it. He was not happy about ending it so he would quit his job to make me keep him around. He took advantage of my kindness ... and finally one day I just snapped. He threatened to kill me ... and I just looked at him and said "Oh really ... Good Luck trying." Before he had time to react I had grabbed my car keys and ran out the door as fast as my ankle would let me, jumped in my car and left. (Thank god I always carried a pair on extra clothes in my car complete with back up shoes because I did not even grab any shoes).

I never should have let myself be in that situation in the first place. I saw it growing up and swore I would not live that way as an adult ... and I realized that night, I was doing the opposite of what I wanted to do. I knew I would not go back. I tried everything I could to get him to leave so I would not have to give up everything I worked for ... I even tried getting involved with someone else ... Which did not good. He just got drunk and beat the guy up for touching me. I decided the only way out was to give up everything I had worked for and just go.

I had meet someone else and he gave me that opportunity to just go. He said I could come stay with him until I could get back on my feet. Here is it 5 years later ... He is my husband. I am glad I meet him because he has shown me that life does not always have to be a bad thing ... and good things can come out of it ... if you really want them.

I am not always this open with complete strangers, but I decided that it was time to just be myself and let my reads know a little bit about me .. and what makes me who I am. I think I turned out okay ... I could be worse ... I could be that person I resent the most in life, but I am not and I am glad I am not. I hope I never turn out to be.

I have turned to photography as an outlet for all of the disasters that have taken place in my life and it seems to help me focus on the brighter side of things, and to help me grow with the things I learn about it ... I just hope I can get my mind to retain some of the things I have been reading about and learning about threw various sources ... a couple of my readers included!